Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The news
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here