Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
You Might Also Like
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?