Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
You Might Also Like
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
selfie game
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired