Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
He-man has a Masters degree
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.