nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely