Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

(Gaming support cat.)

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.