Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*