Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

me 2 months after i graduated

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”