Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.