Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
bought wrong eggs
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.