Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot


WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich


My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF


Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties


INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.


an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.


Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.


It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.