Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

an octopus is just a wet spider

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Always a housemaid, never a house.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.