Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair