Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.