Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
True freaking story!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth