Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

john wicks are toilet candles

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

i wonder why they stopped looking

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.