Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes