Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?