Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
somebody come look at this
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.