Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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three things we don’t talk about
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs