Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk