nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Good news
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha