nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
When you put it that way… 😂
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.