nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
You Might Also Like
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
you’re not fooling anyone
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?