Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

I unironically love this joke.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

My Plans 2020

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.