Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

you’re so productive for your wage

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.