Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I can’t wait!
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.