Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
reminder
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.