Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Terribly Tuesday.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.