Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Am I having a stroke?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit