Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Is this a threat?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.