Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?