Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”