Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Mountain Goat : )
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils