Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.