Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
he chose this
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.