Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

*orders delivery*

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

sometimes we need to be reminded

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.