Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school


Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?


[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor


A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.


Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes


Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.