Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
haha same
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you