Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

I’M CRYINGGG

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.