Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Happens to everyone.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.