Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Animal poetry
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
More like Kate Missington.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
