Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Fights fire with marshmallows