Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Received some very disappointing news today

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs