Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Oh yeah that’s it
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
*frowns in Scottish*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but