Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
they really wanted me dead for this
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
