Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The Compass
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
💁🏻♂️
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions