Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.