Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.