nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Just a phase…
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
