Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.