nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.