Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay