Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Lol #dogsoftwitter
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.