Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Managing expectations
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.