Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Woke up against my better judgment again

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.