Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
let’s discuss
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Tier 3 meme
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
No, I don’t think I will.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.