Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
God, I love Scotland
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.