Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
nobody’s gonna understand
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!