Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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No.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.