Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

the greatest twitter interaction

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter