Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

💀 😭

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

United Steaks of America

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.