Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.