Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.