Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
never compromise your values
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol