Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what