Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

There are usually two types of merchants.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow