Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.