Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.