Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
But I really needed water water water
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.