Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
You Might Also Like
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?