Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Why I divorced her.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
❤️🦆
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I have never related to anyone more.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money