Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school