Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.