Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot