Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market