Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Don’t make me out nice you.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep