Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes