nothing saves money like being antisocial
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
This is a sub tweet
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo