nothing saves money like being antisocial
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
As the Lord intended
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.