nothing saves money like being antisocial
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
2 years later
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet