Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

It was worth a shot 😂

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention