nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie